old friends & ice cream.

"he hurt you didn't he."

"how did you know?"

"oh come on, it's obvious. you're not happy ashley. you can see it everytime you talk, everytime you leave that god damn school, every time you pass that neighborhood, you know you look back, wondering if maybe he'd be there looking back at you. you purposely find excuses to go back to that corner where you guys used to meet, just to feel & remember what you used to have. you miss him like crazy, we all see it. and when he does those random monthly check ups on you to see who you've been messing with lately, you get angry. you don't know why, but you do. and when your little fuss is over, you hate yourself. then you walk around with this lump in your throat, worried expression, hoping and hoping that he'd forgive you for what you've done. ashley, he won't forgive you. as much as i hate to tell you, he won't. he doesn't hate you, he hates what you've done. and everytime he's with you, he'll remember it."

"but how do you know all of that? how do you know about the school and neighborhood and looking back and that corner?"

"because maybe while your world was so focused on one person, the people that love you had theirs focused on yours. while you were so busy hurting, all we wanted to do was reach out to you, but you put all of us on hold. while he was so busy hurting you, you were busy hurting all of us."

speechless.

this is around the point i asked to go to the bathroom, when really i hadn't needed to go.. and cry. this is the point where realization takes place and i just feel like a downright piece of shit for not looking around for once.

did he really know about my little routines like that? did he also know that i'd cry myself to sleep over the same damn reason every night?

a layer of tears gathered in my eyes, but refusing to let them spill, i took a deep breath, held my nose high, took my hands off the sink, left that bathroom and gave that old friend a hug.

i didn't know how much these people meant to me.

he rested his chin on my head, holding me closer than i thought we would ever touch, and said;

"let's get some ice cream."

laughing, knowing he could never keep things emotional like this, that was exactly what i needed.